“Anything in particular you are looking for madam?”
Wow, that question prompted more of an internal reaction then I wanted. There was a silence for a few seconds as the lady with blonde hair tied up in a twist and immaculate make up – big smoky eyes and red lips stared at me with a smile. I had no idea what I was looking for, potentially the part of me that was missing, well perhaps not missing but numbed. It doesn’t seem to feel anymore, I don’t even know if it is still there. Maybe it collapsed when my world did. I feel drained and the lady’s question makes me feel stupid. Stupid for coming here and doing the typical girly thing of trying to change my appearance after a break-up.
Shopping won’t make it go away neither would drinking or getting high or sleeping around but it could delay the problem. Numb the pain even further, just so that I didn’t have to deal with it right away. I don’t have the strength at the moment, I feel so drained and emotionless. I know though, that I can shop now and drink later but once the thrill wears off, I will be a mess again.
I’m just going through the motions, I’m alive but I’m not living. This is the point where my friends may want to define the word, survived. I’m not sure I have, I’m not the person that I used to be. That part of me has disappeared and all that is left is me in the purest, simplest form. My personality seems to have gone along with my laughter and smile. I haven’t told many people either because I don’t want the attention and sympathetic looks. They say everything heals in time but I know people can delay that.
It sounds odd but I haven’t even thought about life without him yet just about the fact that I wasn’t enough for him. I wish I could hate him then it would be easier, knowing that he had done something specific to hurt me rather than just dislike the person that he had turned in to. I couldn’t hate him and I never will but this all just seems like one big mess that should be able to be superglued back together yet we both know it can’t because I am made of an incompatible material to his. Somehow they changed over the two years.
I have to do something though, so I get up, get dressed- may as well wear some of that new clothing. I put on the floral skater dress and chuck my necklace on that says Becky on it. It makes me feel like me when I put it on, like I know who I am so I guess this action was more of a hopeful one. I leave the house and as I lock the door, I pretend to decide where to go even though I know exactly where I am going. I am going to my favourite place in the city, it’s high up and I can see the whole place. It’s quiet though so I have room to reflect on my thoughts. I think about all the people down there doing things and how I can’t see them so they don’t matter at this moment. Only I do. I am the only one up here. There’s no phone signal either, it truly is just me and the city alone thinking, perhaps talking. It knows me this place, it knows what’s good for me.
Coming down is a come down in itself though but at least I’ve attempted to find some clarity in my thoughts, I’m not sure that I have though. Lottie’s texted me asking for cocktails tonight. I want to go and I don’t. The thought of being somewhere in a bar that means I can’t use the boyfriend excuse when boys chat me up terrifies me however I know getting glammed up may make me feel better. I may as well give those new purchases an outing. I ring her and tell her that I’ll go. I know that way, I will find it harder to back out. The girls being around me could help though especially Lottie, she knows what it’s like and has told me that it would be shit for a bit but I’ll make it through. I suppose showing my face is better than nothing at all and I can always leave early.
I look at myself in my mirror heels, midi skirt, top, earrings, hair, make- up, take it all in and think ‘Come on T, you can do this, you’ll be fine’. I almost believe myself but can tell that my lack of confidence lets the whole ensemble down. I take a deep breath, down what I want to say is a white wine but is actually a JD and coke because that is what I have always drank after a tough day and maybe I’m hoping it will bring out a party girl. I’ve never really been one though. I always preferred cocktails in a nice bar or dinners out. I guess that in itself makes me feel better in a relationship.
The girls are sat there ready with their unintentional looks of pity as tonight’s accessory. This is why I didn’t want to come out. I know that they will tell me that they weren’t keen on Luke but I don’t want them to tell me that because then I will see all the cracks that were present in the relationship and I don’t want to see the flaws. The girls say it will make me feel better if I see them and then I won’t be but I will because although we weren’t perfect, we had something that felt like it was or close enough anyway.
“But T, you want something perfect not close to it, properly perfect”, Lottie points out. I sigh but nod in agreement anyway, Lottie’s known me for too well and knows that I am all about the ‘Big Love’. The Carrie and Big, Blair and Chuck, Noah and Allie, all consuming, swept off my feet, nothing else matters true love. There was a time when I thought that was what Luke and I had but it didn’t last too long but I thought I was being a realist and that that movie love didn’t exist. I guess now is the time to start believing in it again.