I never used to feel loneliness. I never had a problem with being alone. I used to like being the only one in the house. I never minded waiting solo for my cab at the end of a long shift or coming home to an empty house. But then I spent some time where I was never alone, where I had to be around people and at first, it was hard but then I grew to like it.
Then I started welcoming company and searched for ways to be around people. My phone always had notifications and I was forever bumping in to people I knew even running to the corner shop. I loved it. I got asked after and people made me feel more like a whole. I felt the love of humans and it was amazing. So now my life is spent running to catch up with them all and I could not be more blessed.
But now silence seems so loud, spending a night in alone is tricky and I feel a pang of lonely when there is nobody to make tea for. And I’m not sure where I disappeared to because some of my hobbies have faded from me and I don’t know if I’m less me than before.
I don’t like waiting for a cab alone anymore or coming home by myself to an empty house or not having anyone to share my final thoughts of the day with.
But the worst by far is waking up alone, I don’t like sleeping alone but I hate waking up alone and seeing the other half of my bed empty. Because it reminds me of what we had and while I’m lucky to have had it that way, it’s just not the same now, you can’t miss something you’ve never had. But it hurts to know you’re never going to wake me up with a kiss again.