Shoutout to my ex

You returned after three years, an apology essay and the invitation for a drink. I say returned, it wasn’t like either of us said goodbye, we decided to end together.

You now think you’re still in love with me but you’re not, you’re in love with the girl I was four years ago and she’s not here anymore, some of her is still, but I’ve grown away from you, apart from you.

I am now the one who learnt to live without you at her most vulnerable, that’s what I had to learn while fighting my battle and fought your own. That was really your biggest mistake, let me teach myself I can live without you and I  really will, then I won’t be the same when you return.

I hope you understand four years is too big a gap, so much has happened in my life in that time, I have changed so much and now, because you’re sorted and know where you’re going, you seem to think it’s ok for us to be together again. But, it isn’t and I’m sorry. I’m still a bit messy and complicated and you never did like that part of me.

Also, there are still things I want to hide from you, like my new job and the fact my uncle died back in October, I don’t know how or why but I don’t want you to know these things, maybe cos they mean so much, one I’m ecstatic about and one wounded me and my family ever so deeply.

The thing is you have discarded all of the arguments we ever had as your fault, some were but some were mine. A few of them I should have argued for longer with you over, there are some things I could never forgive you for now. We were good to each other for the most part, there was never any cheating, or hitting or screaming but there were a few things you didn’t understand and we could never have worked through them.

We had a spectacular 18 months featuring a Dominos addiction, me being a Man City fan and feeding the ducks, we had a lot of fun. We were inseperable for a while and that was pretty cool, it was amazing but I’m telling you it wouldn’t be the same again.

I thought maybe but I now know no. From the way you never made an effort with my friends to all the stuff from my past you never seemed to grasp how it affected me. I am so much stronger and more comfortable with myself now, a different girl to the one you knew and I am sure you have changed too. But that’s the thing about going back to the past, you’re always going try and pretend it’s the same as it was because it was so good the first time around but four years is just too long, there’s no going back and I’m truly sorry but I can’t be who you want me to be.

I don’t hate you like you think I do, I forgave you a long time ago for unpicking our strings but I just can’t do this because we are different now.

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